First of all, I will quickly say that today's Advent activity was making reindeer food for Connor's classmates. But that isn't the topic of my post today. A couple weeks before Ben deployed, I was at Alaina's speech therapy appointment and her therapist (and my friend) shared her blog with me about things people say to military spouses that are just not okay. Those things people say that just get under our skin from time to time. I asked her, in all seriousness, "Do people say these things to you?!" Yep, she replies. Sure enough, as soon as Ben left, I started noticed the same trend. I write this particular post today because I had the exact opposite happen on the phone with USAA today and I will share that later.
Now, don't get me wrong. When people say things (and these people are usually non-military), they are never intentioned to be hurtful or irritating, but they typically are thoughtless, nonetheless. Before I go any further, I must mention that if you have ever said any of the following to me, I don't think negatively of you but I also don't think that sometimes civilians always know how to speak to a spouse of a deployed soldier. I think, for a lot of people, our situation makes people uncomfortable in the fact that they aren't sure what to say and so what comes out is awkward, at best.
Here is my list of things not to say to a military spouse.
1) Are you scared something will happen/ Are you scared he will be killed?
My smart a$$ response to this is, "Nope, the thought has never crossed my mind but thank you so much for pointing out the dire to me." I have no words for this and yes, people have asked.
2) I don't know how you do it. I don't think I could live that life.
It isn't like I dreamed as a little girl of marrying a man that would someday leave his family (albeit not of his own choosing). That I would have a cell phone become an appendage to my body 24/7, just in case. That I need to run out and get milk but don't want to bundle up the kids just to run in and get a gallon. As another spouse said, "It's not as if we are made of mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job." I rose to the occasion and succeed at this life.
3) At least you have the kids to keep you busy.
I actually have heard this from civilian and military alike. This is the only one on the list that I can tolerate because it is, in fact, partially true. Yes, I would prefer deployments with my children than without. They bring me so much joy, happiness and laughter. They give me a reason to not lay in bed all day when it is just one of "those days." Between the schedules we keep and the house to maintain, I stay very busy and most days I can focus on what we are doing rather than Ben not being there to share it with us. However, this is why I say partial. There is a flip-side to having children face a deployment as well. You have to play mom and dad. For any actual single parents out there you recognize how difficult this task can be. It is hard to have to play good cop and bad cop. It is hard to have conversation with your 5-year-old about penises that he (and you) desperately wants to have with his dad. It can be exhausting never being able to turn to your husband and saying, "I will take care of the dishes if you can give the kids a bath." But more than that...it is the worst feeling in the world looking into your children's eye and telling them daddy won't be here for Christmas.
4) How much longer until he can get out?
Just for the record, Ben has enlisted and re-enlisted 2 different times. This is his career and something he loves. He isn't counting down the days to retirement. He volunteers (with my 100% full support and blessing) again and AGAIN and AGAIN because he feels passionately about serving the United States of America in this capacity.
5) You've done this a lot, you must be used to it.
Yes, I have acquired multiple coping skills along the way. I will forever say that my first deployment was my worst for fear of the unknown so in that regard, I am used to the flow of things. However, I don't know if you ever "get used" to the knowledge that bullets are flying at your husband from men, women and boys trained to hate him. The worry never ceases.
6) I understand (to be used in conjunction with "my husband goes away for a week for business, I know what you're going through.")
Side bar- I have 2 most grating comments and this is one of them.
Unless your husband has been in a combat zone (regardless of the amount of time he has been there) do not equate what I am going through to your husband staying in his hotel room with a soft, comfy bed, his Starbucks latte in the morning on the way to his morning meeting right before he calls the kids to tell them to have a great day on their way to school. I have heard someone else say, "comparing a deployment to a business trip is like comparing a Hyundai Excel with a Mercedes convertible.
7) He signed up for it (along with "you knew what you were getting into")
This is my number one "I want to slice razor blades through your vocal cords for saying this to me" sentiment. Yes, stupid, he did sign up for it. He didn't sign up for anything blowing him up. He didn't sign up for 10 years of deployments ripping him away from his wife and children. Missing birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special occasions. Each and every day he continues to protect your right to say ignorant comments like this. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you "your welcome" since he is still overseas protecting your freedom. **Rant over.
But it leads to what to say. Tell me you are praying for him. Tell me you sent him an email. Tell me you are praying for me and my children that we will continue to have the strength and internal fortitude to keep the home fires burning.
What did that USAA representative say this afternoon? What sentiment did she speak that brought me to my knees at the end of our conversation with tears flowing down my cheeks trying to say good-bye and thank her for helping me? She said, "Thank you. Thank you for giving up your husband to keep fighting. Thank you to your children who also gave him up and know that I am hoping for him to keep staying safe until he is home with you again."
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